I wake with a start, gasping for air, and my heart is racing. I reach for the glass of water next to my bed and my hands are shaking so bad that water splashes over my hand and the comforter that's tangled around my waist.I'm still gasping for breath and the dream comes back to me. I feel as if I'm losing my mind. I was in that bloody vault again and my back actually twinges each time Malfoy's cane comes down upon it. Tonks told me yesterday that I have several wicked scars that line my back.I can hear his laughter, I can sense the pleasure he takes from the sound of the metal hitting against my skin, and I can feel his excitement. I try so hard not to scream, not to flinch, and not to beg him to stop. I take another sip of water and run my free hand through my hair. In my dream I could feel the skin on my back splitting open, I could feel each painful blow, and I remember trying to get away. I could feel Susan as I tried to protect her with my body and I felt the marbled stones pelting down on me. I couldn't breathe, I couldn't get any air, and I felt as if I were suffocating. I could feel the rocks ripping my fingernails as I struggled to remove the rocks. In the end Malfoy came back for me, locked me in a room with no windows, and used his wand to slowly removed the air supply as the walls closed in around me.that's why I woke up.I light a fag and run my finger along the scars on my hands from the cuts I got that day. I want to talk to Harry. I want him to tell me that this is normal. I don't feel normal at all. I reach over to the nightstand and for the first time I don't bother with a glamour charm."Harry," I croak. "It's me."I light another fag and wait for him to respond.
It's so quiet in the camp this late at night. Tonight it seems even the surrounding noises of nature have stopped, leaving me to hear only my own heartbeat as I continue my nightly ritual of pacing the floor.I slept for a little over an hour before I woke up again out of fear of losing control when I sleep. The last time I slept more than a few hours was at the Burrow. Mrs Tonks bluntly told me that I looked like shite and if I didn't get any sleep, she was going to force a sleeping potion down my throat.I don't know how to stop my dreams, the ones that are always of Ron. During the day, I feel the barrier that I put up in my head. The barrier that keeps my real memories separated from the false ones, but when I sleep it crumbles and I wake myself up. I get up and pace, putting the wall back up. Then I go to sleep, but it always falls and I wake up and start the vicious cycle again.There are hundreds of footprints in the dirt floor caused by my pacing around the tent at night. I'm just about to pull out a new pack of fags from my trunk when I hear Ron's voice.I reach under the pillow and pull out the mirror, elated that he's awake. I could really use the company."Ron," I say, smiling weakly, suddenly feeling the strain of exhaustion. "What are you doing awake? On duty tonight?"
I look into the mirror and study his face. His smile looks weak and his eyes are dim with a lack of sleep. He's thinner and I realize I can't tell him. My own problems are so minor compared to his."I missed your face," I say and force a smile onto my face. I can almost do that naturally now that I've been practicing.Harry rolls his eyes and arches his eyebrow, "You going to tell me why the hell you're up at one am? When did you start smoking again--you quit after."He can't even bring himself to say it"I never really stopped." I chuckle. "Why are you up? If you don't start sleeping I'm going to have Tonks slip a sleeping draught in your food."I take a long drag off my fag and blow out the smoke slowly."I sleep.""When? When Neptune is rising? When Mars is very bright?"
"The latter," I respond sarcastically, but smile immediately after. "And you really shouldn't be lecturing me about it because you don't look so great either. What's wrong?"I bite the inside of my lip as I wait for his answer. "Nothing – honestly. I missed you is all." He sighs and runs his hand through his hair. "What were you doing?""Pacing and thinking." I sit down on floor, settling my back against my bed. "I don't know what to do when I sleep," I admit.Ron laughs. "You don't do anything when you sleep – that's the point. Except dream and… oh.""Yeah, oh. What happens if I can't control the connection when I sleep? Everything will be lost. All of the planning and training… He'll know what you mean to me. That you're more than just a friend and…"I stare at him. He looks upset and worried and it reminds me that I can't fail at this. I can't let him down. This has to end, so he can have a normal life. Trying to make him feel better, before he can say anything, I quickly add, "I can't stop dreaming about you and me… us. Together. When we … you know."
"You mean when we play Quidditch togehter?" I chuckle and Harry rolls his eyes. "You don't want Voldemort to find out what a brilliant Keeper I am! Thanks, Mate.""You're a right prat," Harry says as he shakes his finger at me.My stomach is still in knots but I have to make this okay for him. He can never know about the dreams. "I'm your prat. Have you thought about a Dreamless potion? Instead of a sleeping potion?""I checked with the Healers and there isn't a supply in camp." Harry runs his hand through his hair and sighs, "I'm worried that I won't wake up if something happens.""You need your rest," I whisper softly. "You can't fight if you're always falling asleep on the job.""Oh hello pot, I'm kettle," Harry snorts. "That's rich since you're up still.""Oi I was sleeping!" I protest.
"Then why are awake now? I don't believe that you all of a sudden woke up and decided that you had to see my face.""I did." He grins and I know that grin. It's the one he gets when he's about to say something wicked. "Maybe I dream too, Harry. About you and me… us together." I was right. "Normally," he continues in a casual tone, "I just wank and go back to sleep. But tonight –" I can see his arm moving and a rustling of clothes. "- I thought we could do it together."I swallow hard and try to peer down into the mirror as if I could see what he was doing with his hand. My cock is obviously interested in the idea as it is now awake and expanding quickly."Together?" "Yes," he says in a throaty voice. He bites his bottom lip and closes his eyes.My empty hand moves down to my erection and squeeze it though my pajama bottoms. "Are you –""Yes," he interrupts. "And I'm thinking about the first time we did this together. I saw your cock, Harry, in the mirror and I wanted to be there to touch you and suck you. Did you know that?""No," I say, standing up suddenly and removing my bottoms clumsily before lying in bed.
"Yeah, I watched you strip down and I wondered if you were hard," I say softly. "My mouth actually watered.""Fuck," he holds the mirror in his hand. "That night--Merlin you were killing me.""You enjoyed it, yeah," I say as set the mirror down and angle it so he can see the length of my body. "We were stroking together...Fuck, Harry sometimes just thinking about it gets me worked up.""Ron...""Set your mirror down so I can watch you."Harry set his mirror on the wardrobe and I can see his body. His stomach muscles jerk and quiver, his cock is rapidly swelling and rising up against his stomach, and I lick my palm before closing my hand around my cock."Did you know I was wanking?" I ask as I run my thumb over the tip of my shaft. "Did you, Harry, because I could see you and you were gorgeous."
"I knew. Your voice – " I pause as I curl my fingers around my cock and stroke upwards. "- your voice was driving me mad.""Yeah? Yours too." He thrusts his cock into his fist. "Can you see my cock now?" I lick my lips as I stare at the head glistening with his salvia. I'm overwhelmed with the desire to taste it. "Yes… Oh, fuck, and I want to… I love to suck it.""I wish you could." He groans as he brushes his thumb over the tip. "I wish that had been your tongue. I love watching you suck my cock."I'm using both hands now. One tugs at my balls as the other strokes my cock slowly. I imagine that he's here and we're together and I can almost feel him against me.I open my mouth and the words just tumble out of it. "I want... I want to lick every inch of you before I put your cock in my mouth and suck you until you come down my throat."
"Do you what I want?" I growl as he tugs his balls. "I want to take your balls in my mouth and suck them, I want to slide my tongue down your cleft and circle your pucker with the tip, and I want to stroke you while I fuck your arse with my tongue."I stroke my cock in time with him before lifting my palm to wet it. I take my shaft in hand and slide it up and down my shaft roughly. "Ron, fuck...want you against me," Harry moans as his hand flies on his shaft. "Want you all the time."I suck two fingers into my mouth and slide them between my legs to trace my pucker. "Can you see what I'm doing," I grunt as I slowly work one hand in my arse. "You see me fucking myself?""Fuck..damn..""I wish," I lift my hips and slid another finger inside me. "I wish your cock was filling my arse, I want your hand wrapped around my shaft while you fuck me."The burning sensation of the invasion of my fingers subsides and I grit my teeth as my balls tighten. I watch as Harry's thumb brushes over the tip of his cock and I lick my lips when I see the precum being smeared across the head. His body is trembling and his eyes are focused on what I'm doing. Only he could make me this needy, this hard, and I crook my fingers to hit the spot and groan.
I watch his fingers and my cock throbs as I remember – and apparently it does too – the brilliant sensation of being inside Ron. Of being surrounded by him and the warmth and oh, bloody Merlin… the tightness.The dry friction is starting to hurt, so I release my cock and lick my palm, my fingers, slowly, imaging it his him doing it. When I return my hand to my cock, I move in the same rhythm that Ron's fingers are as he fucks himself."Ron…" I moan. "Want to fuck you. Want to be inside you when you come and shake and…" My toes curl and my free hand fists the covers as he moans and begins to talk along with me – "Yes, Harry, want you to fuck me – hard!"It's been a few days since I've wanked and it's not long before I feel myself slipping towards losing control."You're… so tight when I fuck you. Nothing feels that good." "Fuck me," Ron says, his voice thick with lust and demanding, as he drives his fingers deeper inside him.And all my control is lost. My hips snap upwards, thrusting my cock into my fist. "I'm going to…" I squeeze the base of my cock trying to make it stop, but Ron's voice rolls over me. "Come, Harry. I want to see you come." I let go and my orgasm ripples through me, making me cry out Ron's name. The sound of my panting mingles with his moans and the sound reaches through my post-orgasm bliss and I remember that he's watching me. I slide a finger through the strands of come on my stomach, smearing it along the line of hair leading from my belly button downwards.
"Oh fuck," I moan as I watch Harry trace a line from his belly button through the thin line of hair. "So close...so fucking sexy when you come.""You like watching me don't you," Harry asks softly. "You like watching me get off. You get off from it."I stroke my cock faster, my hand slides up and down my shaft smearing precum along my length, and my fingers plunge in and out of my arse."Yes...yes..." I hiss and thrust my hips up to push my cock through my hand. "I love it...so fucking hot.""You like it when I tell you what I want to do to you," Harry continued. "You like hearing that I want to suck your cock until you come deep in my throat. You me to tell you that I dream of tracing every freckle on your arse with my tongue before fucking you with it?""Bloody hell," I grunt and feel my balls tighten."You like me to tell you I want to bury my cock so deep in your arse that my balls touch yours, that I want to fuck you so hard you can't sit down for a week, and that I want you to take me hard and fast. I want you to bend me over and fuck me hard."I feel my cock throb against my palm and press my fingers against that spot we love so much. "Gonna come, fuck!" I groan. "So good Harry...so good...wish it was your cock in my hand...your cock in my mouth, my arse...""Come for me, Ron."I do, I come spilling over my hand, biting my lip to stifle my cries, and I feel the warmth of my seed splatter against my belly. My entire body stiffens, my hips thrust upwards, and I milk my cock until I can't stand it anymore."Bloody hell," I moan. "You're getting good at this dirty talk, Harry."
"I had a good teacher," I say as I stretch, feeling relaxed for the first time in days.After a quick cleaning spell, I put my bottoms back on and grab the mirror holding it in my hand and watch Ron still lying there looking content. "Was that what you had in mind when you woke up from your dream?" I ask.A shadow of something falls over his face and he quickly sits up and begins to dress. I can only see his back when he responds. "Something like that." "You okay?" I can't figure out what caused the change in his mood."Yeah," he says as he grabs the mirror and I can see his face again. He looks tired now and I notice dark-circles under his eyes. "Ron, are you –"He yawns loudly. "Tired, Harry."I'm tired too. My eyelids feel like there are tiny weights on them and I struggle to keep them open. "Me, too."
"I really wish you were here, Harry," I fake a yawn and pull my blanket up. "Mind if I keep the mirror open.""'s all right," Harry whispers, his voice heavy with sleep. "I'd like that.""Will you be able to sleep now?" "I always sleep better," Harry's voice grows faint. "When I can hear you snore."I chuckle and watch as his breathing evens out. I run a hand through my hair, summon my fags, and my ash can.I can't tell him and as I light my fag I watch him sleep.I'm going to protect him even if it's from me.Smoke curls around me and I settle back for another sleepless night.